A Little Mary Sue
by MacWriters Association
Summary: 10 Mary Sues compete for the title of ultimate Sweeney Todd Mary Sue, but not all the contestants were seen going home. Meanwhile, Mrs. Lovett's pies are popular and delicious as ever...Mary-Sue bashing parody.
1. The Sues

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sweeney Todd. I'm just messing around with it, and I promise that when I'm done, I'll put it back where it was, though it might be a bit demented. Game shows like this are becoming...well...just check around. Anyway, I've already done two of these, but I was bored out of my mind and decided to do another!**

Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett would sure have their hands full for the next few weeks. They had agreed to host a show for an obscure network involving Mary Sues, and the set was ready, the Sues had arrived, and the cameras were ready to roll. A good business opportunity was coming, that was certain.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention, puh-lease!?" Toby announced proudly from a script. "Please welcome the contestants of the third season of _A Little Mary Sue_, the game show that's sweeping the nation! First up, we have Jolene, Sweeney and Lovett's Daughter Sue!"

Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett both looked confused as a cruel-eyed and curly-haired brunette Sue sat at the table where the both of them were ready with questions. "Oh-kay," Sweeney drawled slowly, looking her over for resemblance, which she somehow had. "I have never seen you before in my life." Jolene smirked and leaned across the table.

"Aww, come on, Mum and Dad. This is a Suefic, anything can happen."

"Alright," Mrs. Lovett said, still not entirely convinced. "Well then, in your Suefic, what usually happens?"

"While you guys take off and live in a little cozy cottage by the sea, I take over the family business," Jolene said coolly. "If you know what I mean." She made a gesture to signify cutting someone's throat, and Sweeney made a gesture as to shoo her from the table, not wanting to arouse suspicion.

"Next up, we have Antonia, Anthony's Sister Sue!" Toby announced. Another brunette Sue, this one curvy and kind-eyed, took a seat. She was very pretty and encouraged her brother and Johanna to fall in love. She was also a smart Sue, as the story always demanded, for she had to be clever enough to thwart Judge Turpin.

"Welcome, Antonia," Sweeney greeted her, reading a question off a card. "Question: who is your love interest within most fanfictions?"

"I don't really have a love interest," Antonia confessed. "Sometimes the authors like to pair me with you, but mostly I'm just here to make sure my brother and Johanna don't screw up too badly." She snickered slightly and left the table. Toby called up Jenalle, Judge Turpin's daughter, next.

"Ah, another one of Johanna's half sisters...?" Mrs. Lovett asked. She looked the Sue up and down, noting her slim build, cinnamon colored hair, and sad, soulless looking blue eyes. "So, tell me, deary, what makes you better than the other Sues?"

"I'm not better," Jenalle said simply, half-glaring into space. "None of us is. People suck. But hey, I might as well look out for number one and win this contest if I can." Viewers everywhere aww'd at Jenalle's sadness and angst as she stood up and vacated the table.

"Next: Katyana, the local bar wench Sue!" A redheaded Sue in a revealing and tight-fitting corset dress that showed off too much of her curvaceous figure plopped herself down in the seat.

"Hey Nellie!" she squealed, greeting Mrs. Lovett warmly. "How've you been? It's been so long! Business going great as usual, I suppose, I've been meaning to stop by..."

"Kat, we're on the air," Mrs. Lovett shout-whispered across the table.

"Anyway," Sweeney interrupted, taking out another question card. "Hypothetical situation: you're in a shop and you've just figured out a dangerous secret, and someone is about to cut your throat. What do you do?"

It took Katyana a few seconds to respond, seeing as she remained so obtuse. Finally, she said, "Why would that happen, anyway? Oh well...um...I think I would just say to them, 'Please don't cut my throat, and I'll make it worth your while!' then start taking off my clothes." She nodded, seeming very matter-of-fact, and was dismissed from the table.

"Thayet, the exotic looney-bin escapee beggar Sue!"

A sue with long, dark, raven hair and sad, sad brown almond eyes slunk into the seat. Despite hard conditions, she was slim without being too skinny, and she wore rags that hardly covered her. She looked as though she was going to start sobbing. Sweeney, shaking his head and rolling his eyes, asked, "What have you got that the other Sues haven't?"

"That's an easy one," Thayet said dismally. "Angst and unhappiness. Now, if you'll..." sniffle "...excuse me..." she rose from the table, trembling and crying, leaving millions of viewers in upset disappointment. They had really wanted to hear her sad story, as there's nothing an audience loves more than a depressing, angsty past to make them feel better about themselves.

"Carmina, the 'I fell into Sweeney Todd' Sue!" Carmina sat down at the table, nearly knocking into a chair, as she yakked away on her cellphone.

"Now, deary, what's your story?" Mrs. Lovett asked, raising an eyebrow, the question cards having been completely abandoned at this point. Carmina, who was blonde and perky, with a perfect tan and a sparkly halter top that could be mistaken for a bra and low rise jeans, looked up absently.

"Um, I dunno, can this wait? I'm on the phone. So, anyway, I'm all, 'F.Y.I, he's _soooo_ into _me_ and _not_ you..."

Mrs. Lovett pounded on the table. "Do you even have any sense of where you are?"

Carmina growled irritably, flipping her blonde hair in the ever so Sueish way. "Damn, the signal dropped...wait, what? Where am I? I was just watching my favorite movie, and then..." Finally, it dawned on her. "Whoa...OMG! It's Sweeney Todd! Oh-my-gosh, I flipping love you!"

Toby and the camera men had to physically pry Carmina away from a protesting Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett. Once the crazed fangirl was contained, Alma, the assistant piemaker Sue, lowered herself into the seat with a small plop. Alma, who was Mrs. Lovett's niece, had her aunt's curly black hair, which was in a messy updo, and was wearing a short apron over a ruffled dress, her hands covered in flour. "Alma, so nice to see you around the shop," Sweeney said, with a note of biting sarcasm, still not entirely recovered from the fangirl attack. "So, what do you think about your auntie's secret recipe, eh?"

"Oh, I don't know it," Alma said cheerily. Her expression was alert, but she was painfully oblivious, and Sweeney shot a look at Mrs. Lovett.

"I couldn't just tell her," she whispered.

"You don't know it?" Sweeney repeated, eyebrows raised.

"Nope? I just make 'em, and eat 'em, but I'm not sure what I'm putting in...that's part of the magic!" Alma said with a conspiratory smile, before standing up and flouncing away to join the other Sues.

"Myn, the Author Insertion Sue!" Toby introduced. Myn ran over to the seat, smiling widely. Since this is a fanfiction, she didn't know about people getting baked into Mrs. Lovett's meat pies, because where's the fun in spoiling the surprise? She had shoulder-length chestnut brown hair with a streak of platinum blonde in the front, big, brown eyes that were like swirling pools of...chocolate or something, and was wearing a short and scandalous corset dress with stiletto heels that any normal human would break their legs wearing.

"Myn, as we all know, most good Mary Sues have a dark secret. What's yours?" Sweeney asked.

Myn raised her eyebrows in thought, racking her brain for anything dark and secretive about her. "Well, I'm secretly into feederism, if that counts for anything," she piped. "And it kind of goes along with the whole meat pie thing...I like meat!" she chimed, before she was shooed off the table.

May Apple, the normal, random Sue, was called to the table. She was also blonde and was smiling innocently, wearing too much pink. "So, you're May Apple, eh?" Mrs. Lovett asked unnecessarily. "Everyone knows that Mary Sues, regardless of universe, need to have special powers. So, what are yours?"

May Apple looked down. "There's nothing special about little ol' me," she said. "I mean, sure, animals are instinctively attracted to me, but what's the use in that? And I kind of have superior intuition, but that's the same deal. The power of seduction is really more of a curse..."

"Stop it right now, you're melting my brain!" Sweeney said, clutching his head, and he chucked a pie at May Apple to make her go away.

"And finally, Desdemona, the devious businesswoman Sue!" Desdemona was a suspicious sort of woman, with mistrusting yet beautiful violet eyes and hair the color of a cloudy summer night, or something else worn and overused. She sat daintily in the booth across from the hosts, awaiting a question.

"Desdemona, what is your goal for this show?" Sweeney asked her, to which she began to respond with a smirk:

"It's not the winning that's important. Well, perhaps it is, but really I'm looking for a good opportunity. So, be warned. I'll be watching you, and I have ways to get what I want." She smirked and walked away, leaving Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett rather apprehensive.

"Alright, those are our contestants...ladies, why don't we see the accommodations, hmm?" Sweeney said. With that, he led the Sues (while Alma and Jolene restrained a squealing Carmina) across the street to an abandoned shop with two apartments on the top. "Five Sues to a room, if you will, and I will see you all next week for your first challenge!" he said, and slammed the door behind himself and Mrs. Lovett, leaving the Sues free to explore and choose rooms.

All of the relatively darker Sues gravitated towards each other, while the just and innocent were left in a room together, with exceptions where there was no room left.. While May Apple, Jenalle, Carmina, Thayet, and Antonia unpacked their trunkfuls of clothing and accessories, Jolene hid her razors and knives before Alma, Myn, Katyana, and Desdemona could find them. Alma was arranging the windows to let in more light, and Myn had begun to jump on the bed. "This is going to be great! I have at least a week with all these wonderful people...well, I do hate most of them, but Alma and Jolene are alright. Ooh, that's pretty nail polish, Jolene, but I think you're getting it all over your hands, too..."

Jumping on the bed, Myn's peripheral vision had not recognized the red matter as blood. Meanwhile, on Alma's cam:

"I'm glad Myn thinks I'm alright. She's a bit hyper. I'm a bit worried about Jenalle and Desdemona, though, they might try to run my aunt Nellie out of business! Well, I suppose it's best not to worry unless they really cause a threat. I think I'll go have a pie."

In the other room, Antonia gazed longingly at the sea, ignoring the cameramen. "I can't believe I'm on a game show! In Sweeney Todd! It's a shame I didn't get to get through the whole movie, though. But I wouldn't have paid any attention to the plotline, anyway. Johnny Depp is so hot!" Carmina exclaimed.

Thayet was sitting curled up in an armchair, staring into her camera. "So many bad memories are being triggered inside me right now. I just want to forget. I have no hope of winning, a miserable creature like me..." She shed a few beautiful tears and put her face in her hands, which was good, because her beautiful angst was blinding the viewers.

May Apple's cam was a different story entirely. "I don't know what's going to happen, but I know it will be big. I wish we didn't have to do so many mean things to win on a reality show. Well, that's just life, I suppose. I ought to go in for a haircut soon, I've been needing a new style." She shook out her waves of golden hair and nearly blinded the viewers for a second time that night. "That Mr. Todd scares me a little bit, though."

"I can't say I care what's going to happen," Katyana said into her cam, downing half a Guinness at the same time. "I'm bored, I want to have my boyfriends over, and oh man, I'm going to have _such_ a headache tomorrow. Well, until next week, I guess I'll survive."

She would soon find out that her prediction would hold true for some more than others.

**A/N: So, what do you guys think? Like it? Hate it? Well, at least it's better than my old game show shit. And it's kind of hard to understand if it's the first game show you've read...go and read SUEvivor, by Jade Snape-Holloway, she's really good. Review!**


	2. The Sues demonstrate their cliche

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sweeney Todd, or anything you might recognize from here, i.e. songs, lyrics, Seinfeld references, etc.**

Being trapped in a room with four people could be a drag, even for a Mary Sue. By the end of the week, everyone was looking forward to someone leaving. When the Sues left their rooms that morning, they found on the window of the hallway joining the flats a message in red paint.

_This week's challenge will detail the cliched introduction to a Sue-fic. Please report to Mrs. Lovett's at noon for further instructions._

It was already almost noon, as Sues tend to sleep late, so all of them headed down the stairs, with Jolene the last in line. She took another look at the paint, swabbed some off with her finger, and licked it, smiling maliciously. "That really can't be good for your health," Alma commented, clunking down the stairs in her clunky boots.

"Welcome, Sues!" Mrs. Lovett greeted them, smiling warmly. "It's time for your challenge. This first one is simple, really. All you have to do is go through the first scene of your fanfictions while the nice camera men tape you. Whoever has the most cliched and disgustingly Sueish scene wins this round, and the rest are all at risk for getting voted off by her fellows. Got it?" she asked. By this time she had continued kneading dough and was ushering the Sues out of the shop.

"Well, this won't be too hard, right?" May Apple asked dreamily as she skipped off to do her scene. Katyana downed a Guinness that she had seemingly pulled out of thin air and stumbled off to do whatever it is she would. Alma remained in the pie shop, where she would start her scene, and Antonia scuttled across town to meet her brother.

"The others are going DOWN!" Jolene said into her camera. Jenalle's cam was no different.

"I wonder who is going to win...?" May Apple wondered aloud into her cam.

"May Apple is such a blithering dunderhead," Desdemona snarled into the lens, while Carmina went on about how sexually appealing Johnny Depp, someone who the characters of Sweeney Todd knew nothing about, was.

* * *

**Desdemona**

The scene began on the dingy and dismal streets of London, where Adolfo Pirelli was advertising his Miracle Elixir. Or course, a dark and cynical, well-dressed woman in the crowd known as Desdemona knew at once that he was nothing but a fraud, but no matter. She still managed to make a quick buck off of investing in his products.

But today was no ordinary day. Pirelli had just been beaten by a mysterious Sweeney Todd figure, a barber of near inhuman skill. Upset over his loss, Pirelli stalked off to abuse his servant boy as usual, but Desdemona caught up with him first. She was hoping to catch Todd later as well to make a business proposition, but she had still not collected Pirelli's most recent debts.

"Adolfo. Deary," she said, grabbing him by the shoulder. He turned around to face her, immediately struck by lust. "Might I remind you that you still owe me quite a price?" She moved closer, her legs now closing around one of his. She could have kissed him if she didn't look so dangerous.

"Ah. Desdemona," Pirelli responded, stroking her hair and moving even closer. "I have not forgotten, but perhaps you should have more patience," he pointed out. Out of the blue, he leaned in and kissed her full on the mouth. "Or will you start charging me for that, too?"

"Of course, dear. It's called interest." With that, she slammed him against the beam that held up the tent, kissing him fiercely...

"Oh, Lord...children watch this show! Cut to commercial! CUT TO COMMERCIAL!" the producer yelled, and the screen went black and white with static.

* * *

**Antonia**

Anthony was lying bleeding on the cold concrete floor, gasping for breath as he wiped the blood from his mouth. Apparently, he'd picked the wrong girl to gander at. As he got to his feet, a beautiful girl turned the corner and helped him up by the arm, concerned. "Oh, dear brother, what's the matter?" she asked, her eyes widening with soulful concern.

"You know Johanna, Judge Turpin's ward?" Anthony asked.

"Everyone knows, you've been at sea longer than you think--wait, you looked at her, didn't you?" Antonia realized with a smirk. Her brother nodded.

"I think I'm in love with her," he confessed. "But the judge--"

"Won't allow it and hit you with something," Antonia deduced. Being a Mary Sue, she didn't need to ask these things to know.

"How did you know?"

"It's obvious! But don't you worry, I'll help you! You two will be able to run away together, easy. I'm sure of it. Now, first things first: you're of course familiar with Mr. Todd...?"

* * *

**Jolene**

"Hahaha!" Jolene laughed maniacally as she dropped another corpse down the trapdoor and into the cellar. "They all deserve to...DIE!" After much more maniacal laughter, she decided she ought to get out of her pajamas, so she pulled on an elegant, ruffled dress and headed down the stairs. As her parents were on holiday, she was free to do as she pleased, and the first thing she pleased to do was passionately kiss Anthony, who had been waiting on the stairs for her. "I never get tired of that," he told her.

"Me neither," she smirked. "But I'm glad you came to your senses, Dad is too. my dear half sister would be far too much trouble, though I'm glad things worked out for her in the end." While setting up the shop, she smiled fondly at the thought of Johanna, who was enjoying the holiday with her parents in their cozy seaside retreat.

"Jo, do you really need to do that right now?" Anthony asked, watching her ready the batter while waiting for the assistant piemaker to wake up and help her.

Jolene got a scandalous smirk on her face and put down her jagged, deadly chopping knife. "Why?" she asked. "Would you rather I do...this?" she asked, pulling him into an embrace, tracing the line between his pectorals with her fingertip and smirking deviously all the while. She would have kissed him, too, but because of the sickening perfection of the fanfiction so far, which left no room for real plot, one of the cameramen had collapsed and the other one needed to perform the Heimlich maneuver on him and was therefore unable to film.

* * *

**Thayet**

Coughing and sputtering, a sad, tired stowaway made her way off of a sailing ship. This miserable girl, whose name was Thayet, twitched a bit unstably and shivered as she made her way down the street, looking beautifully vulnerable as she looked for anyone who could help her. Weeping, she bumped into an eloquently dressed man. "I'm sorry!" she sputtered, putting her hands in front of her in defense in case he tried to beat her. It was just a reflex, really, as she could handle it by now and was no longer afraid of pain. She was used to beatings.

Seeing that the girl had been cheated out of a life, Judge Turpin bent down and looked at her with pity. "There is no need to be sorry, miss. Now, what is your name and why are you crying?"

"I am Thayet, sir," Thayet replied, too intimidated to meet his gaze. He tilted her chin and saw that her sea-green eyes were swirling pools of misery and misunderstood angst, or something sappy along those lines. She did not yet want to reveal her troubles, so she began to walk away.

"Come, Thayet. There is no need for you to live like this. Now, tell me your troubles and you can stay with me in my home."

Thayet suddenly looked very irritable. "It's not time for me to reveal my Dark Secrets yet! It's only the beginning of the story!"

Judge Turpin looked at her, confused. "Fine," she said, giving in. "My parents abused me and I was sent to the nut-house, then I escaped, and now I'm on the street? Happy?"

Well, of course the good judge was happy. Such an exotic rarity doesn't come along every day. As he escorted her to his home, Jolene and Johanna looked on and giggled at Thayet's expense, knowing that her previous grievances were nothing compared to being trapped and stared at through a hole in the wall.

"I'll give her a week," Johanna said.

"I'll give her eleven minutes," snorted Jolene.

* * *

**Katyana**

As usual, Katyana was getting drunk with her customers, dancing on the tables, and doing all sorts of other things. She slid a couple of pints of beer towards some peculiar looking customers, and they were clearly staring at her generous curves. "Well, hello, little miss," one of them said, leering through a cigarette and eyepatch. "You look like you're up for an adventure..."

"Huh? Really?" Katyana asked incredulously.

"Sure!" the other said. "Fancy a life at sea? Because our crew's short one pretty little thing like you..."

"Wait," Katyana said with a tilt of the head. "I'm a local bar wench Sue, not a board tavern keeper looking for adventure Sue. There's a difference," she slurred, perfectly of course, never missing a letter.

"But what do you do all day?" the first pirate asked.

"I serve beer, get drunk, seduce every man in the vicinity, and gossip with my best friend Nellie Lovett, and I've certainly never been asked to be a pirate before," she contemplated.

"Ah, but where's the fun in that?" the second pirate prompted.

"Look, dude, there aren't any pirates in Sweeney Todd!" Katyana barked, slamming her pint onto the table.

"There will be Guinness," the first pirate offered. Katyana's face lit up, which really made the room uncomfortably bright, figuratively, of course.

"Oh, what the hell?" she figured, and tossed her scarlet hair playfully. The pirate scooped her up into his arms and they hobbled off to the pirate ship, taking off on a tangent that Katyana's story wasn't even supposed to go off on. Just then, a couple of Death Eaters Apparated into the bar, only to find that it was void of Mary Sues...

"Well, damn it."

* * *

**Carmina**

"Oh. Em. GEE! Johnny Depp is soooooo hooooot!" Carmina shouted to the empty abyss of her house on a Monday evening. Her parents were at work and she had rented a movie, though she wasn't paying attention to the plot so much as...well, Johnny Depp.

It was also a dark and stormy night. This was crucial to the story as, as fate would have it, Carmina's television was struck by lightning. Well, actually, her whole house was struck by lightning. She screamed as the lights went off. It was suddenly very cold, which wasn't helped by her tiny lingerie, which she always wore on Monday evenings when no one was home.

When her eyes adjusted to the light, she found herself on a cobblestone path in an alley facing..."OH MY GOSH! IT'S JOHNNY DEPP!"

Sweeney Todd found himself jumped by a stunningly pretty, albeit insane, blonde teenage girl. "I did not agree to this!" he grunted, wrenching himself from her and taking off down the road.

"Ah well," Carmina sighed. "Huh? That's weird. I was just in my house. Gasp! I think when the power went out I got sucked into the movie!"

It had just clicked when she lost her train of thought again, spotting Anthony. "OH MY GOSH! IT'S...WHATEVER THIS GUY'S NAME IS FROM THE MOVIE!" she screamed, and abruptly jumped him and started making out with him.

"I did not agree to this!"

* * *

**Myn**

"Whoot! Yee-haw!" an enthusiastic Mary Sue squealed as she fought off thugs in a dark alleyway. The story had begun with her being pinned to the wall by an ill-intentioned street urchin and his accomplice, but within seconds, she had incapacitated the both of them with a few quick blows and a roundhouse kick to he side of the face.

Of course, since she was an author insertion, her author described in minute detail the beauty of her chocolate hair, which had a distinctive blonde streak down the front, and her eyes, which were two limpid pools of...mud. Sure, that's brown. And let's not forget her slender build, accentuated by her tiny coveralls and the fact that she was fistfighting thugs.

As she began to walk away, she noticed someone coming around the corner. "Hi--ummm," she said, her tone changing as she noticed that it was the Beadle. Normally she would be worried, but for now, she was thankful for a sticky plot twist she wouldn't need to finish anyway. As he noticed the two unconscious and wounded men, she sputtered, "I can explain..."

* * *

**Jenalle**

Our story begins with a beautiful but lonely Sue living in an eloquent manor with her father and stepsister. She was not crying; she didn't cry anymore. Much to the contrary, she was going to sneak out, because that's what Rebel Sues do. As it was, the cinnamon-haired girl was wandering the streets of London, pacing Fleet Street, when she heard a horrible retching noise...

Being extremely intelligent, by Sue standards anyway, she knew it was coming from the barber shop, so as soon as the barber left, she crept up the stairs of Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pie Emporium to his flat and began to examine her surroundings. She picked up a straight-razor and, after seconds of 'intense scrutiny', discoverered that it was covered in blood.

A thump sounded from below, but there was no time to worry about that now; someone was coming up the steps...

"Ah, what have we here? Care for a pie, deary?" Mrs. Lovett asked with a menacing grin, holding a sinister-looking tray, and Jenalle wondered just what she would have to fight her way out of...

"Aaaand...end scene!" the camera man said with a thumbs-up. Now, let's check up on May Apple...

* * *

**May Apple**

Out on the street, May Apple was singing with little birds and feeding them bread. She gave money to a homeless lady and then danced about the avenue, getting the attention of every man she passed while petting kittens or something else disgusting like that. Her blonde hair was blowing gracefully in the wind behind her as she twirled, catching a little sparrow on her fingertips, but no one was watching because the screens had gone static-filled worldwide: the camera men had keeled over again.

* * *

**Alma**

Waking with a yawn, Alma Lovett hopped out of bed and hummed as she made her way to the kitchen and began to knead dough, swaying her hips and tapping out a drumbeat with the rolling pin. She was a cute, cheery Sue, about fourteen years of age, her dark curls bounding as she worked. The customers were pouring in as usual, and as she took a batch of meat pies out of the oven, she burst into spontaneous song.

"_Oh, brunch time, business is booming,_

_Crowd of customers, they look snappy!_

_But that doesn't matter, I'll keep on assuming_

_That as they walk out, all the pie they're consuming_

_Is making them oh so haaaappy_

_As I am:_

_It's meat!_

_That's what I love about meat pies!_"

Alma gleefully set pies on a table, while a couple of customers smiled up at her. Toby waved at her from across the room; she waved back and he smiled faintly before looking away in a rush. Alma giggled before refilling her tray and dancing across the restaurant, waving at the customers cheerfully.

"_What makes a pie a labor of love?_

_The wonderful, savory gift from above,_

_It's meat!_

_That's what I love about meat pies!_

_What I love about meat pies_

_Is everybody loves meat!_"

* * *

**The Voting**

The Sues regathered in Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pie Emporium at one o'clock. "Ladies, you've all done a fantastic job...and though we nearly lost some camera men in the process, only one of you can win. Jolene, your fanfiction os so perfect it lacks plot," Sweeney said. It wasn't a question.

"Uh-huh! That's the point!" she said as though it were obvious.

"Katyana...there are no pirates in London in our timeframe."

"But they had Guinness!" Katyana argued. Desdemona rolled her eyes.

"Well, who won?" she demanded.

Mrs. Lovett smiled. "Well, since Alma sang, we've decided to grant her immunity." Alma clapped her hands and squealed with glee, dropping the meat pie she was munching on. Jenalle and Desdemona glared, Myn and May Apple smiled, and Carmina was staring at Sweeney disturbingly. "Alright, all of you write who you want off the show, except Alma, of course, because she won, and drop it in here and I'll tally the votes." Each of the Sues wrote down a name and cast it into the pot Mrs. Lovett was holding out.

"Let's see here, we have one vote Katyana, one for Carmina...Antonia, Thayet, Antonia, Carmina, Myn, Jenalle, Desdemona, aaaand..." she held up the last vote to create suspense as they cut to commercial. Viewers were on the edge of their seats, and cheers and boos resounded in suburban neighborhoods when, after the break was over, and Mrs. Lovett announced:

"The first person voted off _A Little Mary Sue_ is: Antonia!"

"WHAT?!" Antonia exclaimed madly. "But--but--how?"

"Tough luck," Sweeney said, escorting her out of the room while the screen faded to black and theme music played.

_Next time: "Don't look! That's the magic!"_

_"AAAH! AHH! WHAT'S HAPPENING! WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?"_

**A/N: Sorry that was so insanely long! I know, no one died this time...ToT but don't worry, I promise a death in the next chapter! And thanks to my lovely reviewers!  
**


	3. The Sues run the shop

Disclaimer: I don't own Sweeney Todd. Get it? Got it? Good. No? Then I'll cook you and eat you. Yeah. :)

Since Antonia was voted out, things had gotten a lot less intelligent around the set of the show in the next week. May Apple was ranting mournfully. "Poor Antonia," she said, "Why did she have to get voted out so soon?"

"I agree, it should have been me," Thayet said sadly. "I don't deserve to still be here."

"Then why don't you just leave?" Jolene snorted.

"Or we could vote you out, like we did Antonia, because she bored us to death, you dunderhead," Myn said, too cheerfully for the subject matter. Alma, however, was trying to be supportive.

"Here, Thayet, have a meat pie," she prompted, taking a freshly baked, aromatic pie off a tray. "They make everyone feel better."

"STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!" Thayet snapped, sobbing. "I'm waiting for Anthony to save me." Alma looked dejected.

"You can't talk to my cousin that way!" Jolene shouted, jumping Thayet and punching her in the face. In reality, she just enjoyed the violence, but Alma looked happier upon seeing Jolene speak up in her defense.

"You are all dunderheads," Jenalle drawled, walking out and slamming the door. Katyana giggled and passed around some alcohol for the others' pleasure, and Carmina went on about the attractiveness of various actors. "Hey look! We've got another challenge!" The other Sues rushed out of the room and read the message in red paint on their window. Mrs. Lovett and I have decided to go and shop for real estate, the paint read, and we are leaving you Sues in charge of the shop. On the table of Mrs. Lovett's is a list of chores for you all to do. Divy the work up, and the Sue who contributes the most to the successful running of the shop will win immunity upon our return. -Sweeney Todd.

"Oh, I do love to work the shop!" Alma giddily exclaimed. Jolene smirked and nodded in agreement.

"I've never worked a shop before," Myn said. "How is it done?"

"Come on! I'll show you! Oh, it's the most magical experience..." Alma said, and pulled Myn by the wrist down the stairs while the rest of the Sues followed, Jolene stopping to eat the paint again.

"You know, you really will give yourself cancer one day," Desdemona scowled.

As the Sues prepared for their challenges, Jolene said into her cam, "May Apple makes me sick. She's so saccharine, and I heard her saying she'd vote me out behind my back. Well, I'll just have to figure out a way to stop her then, eh?"

"Nothing will stop me from sending Jolene home," May Apple said with uncharacteristic malice into her cam on the other side of the room.

Down at the shop, Jenalle and Desdemona, ever the efficient ones, got right to dividing the work. While Katyana and Desdemona would serve the customers, Jolene was on meat duty, Alma and Myn would hand make the pies, Carmina, Thayet, and May Apple would clean Mr. Todd's shop, and Jenalle would go into town and restock the ingredients.

Carmina and Thayet, who had made a contest of who could whine the longest, were dragged up the stairs by an encouraging May Apple. "Come on, Sues, we have a challenge to do! Oh, I'm sure we'll all do great! Good luck!" she said. When they had reached the shop, they all got right to work cleaning. May Apple hummed while she worked, stopping to look at herself in the mirror. Her reflection was stunning, but she frowned in distaste, tugging on a strand of her shiny hair. "I need a new cut, I've been saying...maybe after the challenge."

Thayet was in tears as she scrubbed the windows. "I'm used to working," she said. "I had to work all the time when I was a servant girl." Despite this, she acted like a victim and generally flinched at every noise.

"I haaaate cleaning," Carmina whined. "I wanna go and kiss guys!" She leaned over the lavabo and sighed, not paying attention to what she was scrubbing. Thayet, however, had picked up a blade to wipe it clean, and found it to be covered in not shaving cream, but blood.

"AAAAH!" she screamed. "OH MY GOD, HELP! WE'LL BE KILLED!"

"AAAAH!" May Apple screamed.

"AAAAH!" Carmina echoed. Soon all three of the Sues were running about the flat in a panicked frenzy. "WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHY ARE WE SCREAMING!"

"BLOOD! AAAH! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Thayet wailed. Carmina flailed as she ran, knocking into the chair and whacking her head into a lever. Suddenly, Thayet was no longer screaming. In fact, she wasn't even in the room.

"...I guess we can go back to cleaning?" May Apple said, a bit apprehensively.

Down in the cellar, Thayet landed next to where Jolene was grinding meat. She stared up into the maniacal Sue's face, her limpid pools of sadness the mirror image of fear. "We're all going to be killed," she choked. Jolene held up a kitchen knife threateningly.

"What do you know?" she asked, eyes narrowing.

"The--the razor, the blood--" Jolene didn't need to hear anymore. She advanced on Thayet, cut her throat, and hacked her up, tossing her into the grinder in one fell swoop, with a psychotic cackle to boot. Then she ran up the stairs to Sweeney's flat, finding two girls cleaning obliviously.

"What's up?" May Apple asked. "Where'd Thayet get to?"

"Oh, she's fine, she should be right up," Jolene said coolly. "Just checking to make sure everything's perfectly normal up here." Upon sensing no suspicion from Carmina or May Apple, Jolene trudged down the stairs and ushered Alma and Myn into the cellar. "Meat's ready," she said. "Knock yourself out!"

"Yay! Pies!" Alma said, finishing off the pie she was munching, a leftover from the other day. She tied a dainty apron around herself and pulled her elaborate curls into a neat knot, proceeding to help Myn with her apron. "This is how you grind the meat," she explained while she cranked the lever. "The pies go into the oven like so..." A master of handiwork and prestidigitation, she quickly kneaded and filled several trayfuls of pie and slid them into the oven. "Smells delicious, doesn't it?" she asked, bending over and exposing her firm breasts under her low-cut dress as she smelled the aroma of sweet, sweet meat.

"Totally," Myn said, following Alma's example, able to make the pies almost as fast. "What's in them?" she asked curiously. She began to peer over the grinder...

"DON'T!" Alma exclaimed, yanking Myn down and pressing her body against the machine. "It's a secret recipe."

Myn cocked an eyebrow, flashing a curious and radiant smile. "Do _you_ know the secret?" she asked.

Alma giggled cheerfully, a sound that rang out like bells, because that's what cute, innocent Sues sound like when they laugh. "Of course not, silly! That's part of the magic!" she said, still laughing with Myn pinned against the meat grinder. Smiling maliciously, Myn leaned forward and kissed Alma full on the mouth without warning, having misread some sign or other. After she had successfully wrenched her cohort off, she demanded, "What are you doing?"

"Sorry--I thought--nevermind," Myn said with a note of disappointment. She smiled sheepishly.

"Come on now, there's pies to make."

Meanwhile, while Katyana secretly stole and subsequently consumed alcohol and Desdemona struggled to appease the influx of customers, Jenalle put the keys in the ignition of a shiny new black Audi that hadn't even been invented yet and sped down the street to the local market. "Loaf of bread, quart of milk, stick of butter," she repeated to herself. "Loaf of bread, quart of milk, stick of butter. Loaf of bread, quart of milk, stick of butter." She put the car into manual overdrive, because, since she was so Sueish, she could drive a stick perfectly. She broke all the speed-limit laws and swerved with inhuman control of the car, until a pedestrian came out of nowhere. "EEP!" she shouted, just as she struck him. "I'm so sorry!" she said when she got out of the car.

"It's alright," the limping pedestrian said. "It's just a leg, I've got another."

"Oh, don't be--are you--have you at least got insurance?" Jenalle asked, concerned.

The pedestrian was determined to get away at all costs. "Insurance? Nah. I'm fine, really, just go...I wasn't using those ribs anyhow..." Still unconvinced, Jenalle hopped back into her steaming metal death-trap, put it in gear...and hit the poor man again...

By the time Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett had returned, Katyana was drunk, Desdemona was distinctly ruffled from 'pleasing' the customers, Alma and Myn, laughing in triumph, had made so many pies they'd run out of meat, and Jolene was exhausted from processing corpses and, having pushed a strand of hair out of her face, had gotten a smidgen of blood on her face. Carmina and May Apple trudged down from the barber shop, tired of cleaning but proud of their work, and Thayet was nowhere in sight. "So, how did it go?" Sweeney asked, reviewing the film of the day's exploits.

"Oh, it was hard, Daddy," Jolene admitted, "But nothing we couldn't handle. My cousin and her little girlfriend did a great job with the pies." Myn giggled and Alma shot Jolene a dirty look.

"Well, you've all done excellent, but since she kept things going so smoothly--" Mrs. Lovett began, but just then, Jenalle pulled up in front of the shop, knocking over a fire hydrant in her wake. Dripping wet, she stomped into the shop and slammed down her bag of groceries.

"Loaf of milk, quart of butter, stick of bread," she barked. "Happy?" She sat down in a huff, looking quite dangerous.

"AS I was saying," Mrs. Lovett continued, without so much as a glance in Jenalle's direction, "Since Jolene did such a great job of keeping things under control, she wins immunity."

"What? That's ridiculous! I did awesome with the cleaning!" May Apple complained.

"Do you know what I had to do so that the customer would leave a stinking tip?" Desdemona demanded.

"Alan Rickman is soooo hooot," Carmina droned.

"Anyway...just put your votes in the pot...that's it," Mrs. Lovett said as each of the Sues voted. "Here, we have one vote Jolene, one for Thayet...Carmina, Thayet, Thayet, Myn, Jenalle, Jenalle, Thayet. Thayet is going home!"

The Sues looked around. "Where is Thayet, anyway?" Jenalle asked with a scowl. Sweeney rubbed the back of his head nervously.

"Erm...she's in the bathroom!" he made up on the spot after a long moment. "Let me just go inform her that she's been voted off." He promptly stood up, backed up a few steps, and ran off to destroy any evidence Jolene might have missed (but of course she had left none.)

Desdemona, Jenalle, and May Apple scowled or cocked their eyebrows, but the latter was the one to speak. "Does anyone else notice something fishy about this show?" Jolene flipped her off while her back was turned.

"I dunno," Alma said with a shrug and held up a tray. "Pie, anyone?"

**A/N: I said there would be death, and there it was! Review and I will send you cookies...and the death of another Sue!**


	4. Iron Chef: Mary Sue Style

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sweeney Todd.**

"Poor Thayet," May Apple said for the umpteenth time. The darker Sues were really getting sick of her.

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!" Jenalle snapped. "I'm trying to think."

"What about?" Alma asked thoughtfully, munching on a meat pie. Jenalle just got back to thinking, looking dangerously beautiful. Thayet hadn't even come to collect her things. May Apple had now resigned herself to dancing about the room.

"Stop it, you're distracting me," Jenalle said."

"Yeah, you're so fulla shit, May," Jolene added.

May Apple scowled. "Well, it's not my fault! There's nothing to eat on this show but damn meat pie!" Alma looked offended.

"My aunt Nellie's pies do not induce constipation! And nor do mine!" May Apple just rolled her eyes. Alma, who had taken it personally, jumped her fellow Sue and punched her in the face. Jolene smirked at this display.

"Enough catfighting, we got a challenge," Myn said, looking out the door. "Alma, leave the shitty girl alone, she's not worth it." Alma reluctantly extracted herself from the fight to join the others in reading the challenge, which was written in the same red paint on the window as before. _Mary Sues, today's contest involves, ironically enough, the making of meat pies. The Sue who makes the most and the best meat pies wins immunity. Please report to Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pie Emporium at noon._

"Ugh. More meat--I mean...great! More meat!" Katyana said, not wanting to upset Alma.

"Do try and not eat the paint this time, Jo, that can't be good for you," May Apple said with a flip of her hair, regaining her Sueishly caring manner.

"Alan Rickman is soooo hoooot," Carmina slurred, much to the annoyance of the other contestants.

After hurrying down to the shop, the Sues were surprised to find a myriad of ingredients on the table waiting for them. "Welcome, Sues," Mrs. Lovett said with her warm smile. "The challenge is quite simple, you already know what to do. Well, if you'll excuse me, Mr. Todd and I've got work to do, so, off you get!" She flitted her fingers as she exited the room, leaving a multitude of incompetent Sues and a few knowledgeable ones alone in a kitchen to make pie.

"This is bogus!" Carmina said. "I never had to cook! Oh, I know I'm going to suck at this!"

"You'll do just fine," May Apple assured her. Alma, on the other hand, had attacked the ingredients and was already running back and forth, to the cellar and back up again, to prepare her delicious God-sent delicacies. One by one, she neatly folded each crust and filled it with meat. Jolene was doing a satisfactory job as well, though her hands were getting the messiest out of everyone, and by the time she had made a mere five pies, her dainty apron was spattered with meat and blood, making her look wild and sexily untamed.

May Apple was humming and working in peaceful solitude, and Katyana, who had decided to get creative, was deep-frying her pies in (what else?) beer. After minutes, though her stack of pies wasn't nearly as tall as Alma's or even Jolene's, they were all golden brown and aromatic. Desdemona, however, was having trouble.

"Oh my God!" she swore, "I can't do this! It's too hard." She looked tragically beautiful as she wiped a sparkling tear from her cheek. "M-maybe I can ask Mrs. Lovett or Mr. Todd for some help."

Alma shook her head, somehow able to be coherent when she was completely absorbed in making pies. "Aunt Nellie's busy," she said quickly, before looking over at Jolene's stack; although her cousin was very messy and bloodstained by now, her stack of pies was unimpressive when compared to her own or Katyana's.

"Yeah, and Mr. Todd's upstairs with a customer. In fact, it's my father," Jenalle bragged. "He's a very important man, my father is. He's got to look presentable if he's getting married soon." Carmina's eyes widened. Then, everything happened in a flash:

It started as Carmina shouted, "ALAN RICKMAN IS SOOOO HOT!" She made a run for the stairs, but the other Sues were in her way, and naturally she hit some obstacles, one of which was Alma, who swore loudly as her stack of perfect pies was knocked over, seeming not to notice that she too was floored. Dashing upstairs with nothing but inhumanly Sueish speed, she bolted the door to the barber shop down and jumped Judge Turpin, squealing with hormonal excitement. "OH MY GOSH! I LOVE YOU!"

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?" Judge Turpin demanded, wrenching Carmina off of him. "Well, I can see what kind of riffraff you allow in your shop...perhaps I'll take my business elsewhere. Good day, Mr. Todd." With that, he turned and bolted from a squeeing and obsessive Carmina.

Todd deadpanned, seething while glancing sideways at the perky, redheaded Sue. "I had him," he said after a long moment. "I HAD HIM, HE WAS RIGHT THERE, AND THEN YOU--YOU IDIOT!" He began to advance on her with the razor...

"I wonder what's taking Carmina so long...?" Katyana asked herself, walking up the stairs to listen to the door. Her stack of pies was quite formidable, even Alma hadn't been able to catch up (though that wasn't her fault). Within seconds, Katyana was listening in on the conversation of Mr. Todd and Carmina:

"Please, please don't cut my throat, Joh--Sweeney," she said desperately. "I promise I'll make it worth your while!"

The sounds of the removal of clothing could be heard. "That little bitch!" Katyana huffed. "Those aren't even her lines!" And with that, she marched off, angry at Carmina, and went back to her deep fryer.

Mrs. Lovett came out of the cellar in a flurry. "You--immunity," she told Katyana. "The rest of you. Vote," she commanded, passing out slips of paper and hurrying back to the cellar. Alma and Katyana voted for Carmina. Sweeney rushed down to count up the votes once every Sue was done voting.

"First vote: Desdemona," he read. "Next is Jolene, next Carmina, Myn, Carmina, Carmina, Jolene. Well, Carmina, it looks like you're leaving..."

"Where is Carmina?" May Apple asked, looking around.

"She's just around," Sweeney said vaguely. "I'll go and tell her to collect her things." All the Sues shrugged obliviously. Alma was trying one of Katyana's pies and giving her the thumbs-up, able to respect the creative cooking technique. Jolene was washing her hands.

"That's all for today, folks," Sweeney said into the camera before the end credits started rolling. "Tune in next week to watch another Mary Sue get devoured by the competition!"

**A/N: Another chapter finished...although I've come up for some challenges in the future, I have yet to think of one for the next episode. Any suggestions are helpful. Sorry 'bout the short chappie. Ciao!**


	5. The Sues Do Some Advertising

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sweeney Todd. Hey guys, sorry bout taking a while to update. As I've said repeatedly, high school is murder. Speaking of which...**

"Poor--"

"Don't. Even. Think about it. Unless you want someone else to jump you," Jolene snapped as May Apple innocently flashed puppy-dog eyes. She was the only one who seemed to care that Carmina was gone. Jolene was now sharpening a razor while Alma cheerily hummed and munched on a pie, doodling on a sheet of paper.

"What are you so happy about?" Desdemona snapped.

"Meat," Alma replied. Everyone rolled their eyes.

Desdemona smirked slyly into into her camera. "I've, uh...made a little deal with the producer," she told the viewers. "I know what today's challenge is going to be, and there's no way I can lose!"

"I know all about Desdemona's stupid tricks," Myn said into her cam. "She's just a psycho bitch. She's going DOWN!"

"I have no idea what's going on, but it looks nasty!" May Apple said with concern.

Katyana groaned, facing the camera with a bottle of beer and a bad hangover. "I have such a bad headache," she maned.

After the Sues surprisingly got through the morning without a catfight, Katyana clambered out of the apartment to read the red-painted message on the window. "Hey, look!" she exclaimed. "The challenge for today is simple--just attract the most customers to the shop using your Sueish beauty and allure!"

"I've got this one in the bag," Myn smirked.

"Bring it on, bee-utch," Desdemona cackled.

"Mff mmh aaah mmmnn mmnnhhh," Alma said through a mouthful of meat, while May Apple dragged Jolene down the stairs and away from the window while explaining why she really ought not to keep eating the paint.

Down at the meat shop, due to last week's cook-off, there was a surplus of pies. Mrs. Lovett was busy organizing when the Sues arrived. "Oh, good, you're here. Well, you know what to do," she said, shooing them out with a suspicious little flit of the fingers. Desdemona narrowed her eyes, she knew something smelled funny at the shop. And it wasn't the meat. Well, it _was_, but that's not the point of the metaphor.

* * *

**Katyana**

Katyana was boozing and dancing on tables in the bar, being flirted with by several customers at a time, as usual. It was several minutes before she tuned out a man's compliments about how luscious her ruby-red hair was and realized she was supposed to be doing a challenge. "What was I supposed to be doing again?" she wondered aloud. "Oh, see ya, guys, I've got to go do this challenge thing for a show, but first I need to ask what it is again..."

"Wait, Katyana, you can't just leave," one of her suitors pointed out. "Without you to be all hardcore and stop us from getting too drunk and acting stupid, we'll talk about how beautiful you are behind your back, and pretty soon we'll start fighting over you and brawling and the place will fall apart and burn down!"

"That is a good point," Katyana said hesitantly. "Well, what can I say? I'm just that fabulous!" She flipped her cascading ruby curls and winked. Some of the customers fainted. "In that case, I'd better keep an eye on you all. Come on down to Mrs. Lovett's with me."

And so the fifteen drunken local citizens, five drunken pirates, and two Death Eaters followed Katyana and partied all the way down the street.

* * *

**Jenalle**

Jenalle was finding the challenge easy enough. She waited in a local cafe, having her figure ogled by the various passerby, and whenever someone took the seat opposite hers, it was the same routine.

"Hello, I'm Jenalle Turpin. Don't ask for my number, you won't get it," she always said coldly, as it was very obvious that each guy wanted her number. "Though I disagree with my evil father's methods--oh, he's the good Judge, didn't you know?--anyway, even though I don't like or agree with him, I'm going to pull some strings with him and have you arrested if you don't hurry over to Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pie Emporium right this second." At this point, the men would stand up and nod, hurrying out the door. "And bring all your friends! And make certain they know who sent you!"

Jenalle had snagged over twenty customers this way.

* * *

**Desdemona**

Desdemona was eerily skulking through a dark alleyway, waiting for victims--I mean, potential customers. She cackled to herself, strumming the bricks of the smog-stained building with her fingers, when suddenly a handsome and eloquent stranger came walking her way, not even paying her Sueish self the least bit of notice...

Since she was a business woman, which in Sue world is a fancy word for 'whore', she had just the plan. Seeing her opportunity, Desdemona seized the man by the front of his suit and kissed him deeply, shoving him against the wall...

"AAH! What are you doing?" he asked, writhing in protest. "What do you want from me?"

"Umm...come to Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pie Emporium...?" she asked tentatively.

"Not a chance, you crazy bitch!" the stranger exclaimed angrily, stalking away. "Well, I never..."

Desdemona wrinkled her nose. "He must have been gay or something."

...The man was next seen relaying the story of his eventful day to his boyfriend in Mrs. Mooney's.

* * *

**Alma**

"Hey guys!" Alma chimed, walking into the street. People stopped and waved, some smiled, and a few boys even looked her over, even though she was only fourteen.

"Hey Alma," said one of her random friends who had just materialized. "How's life?"

"It's brilliant! Would you like to come with me to Mrs. Lovett's later?"

A few people looked around. "Why?" one of them asked.

"To get a meat pie."

"Why?"

"Because I like meat. Everyone likes meat!" she said, grinning and jumping slightly. "My aunt Nellie has the best secret recipe, it's great!"

They still weren't convinced. "We all like meat, big deal."

Alma smirked. So, he thought meat wasn't a big deal, eh? With that, she twirled around once and burst into song: "_Meat, meat, I like meat!_

_ It fits in your mouth, it's hard and long, it's shaped like a ball or shaped like a-_"

Everyone stared incredulously.

_ "Bacon, bacon it's good with eggs, so open your mouth or spread your-_"

They all stared again.

_ "Butter, butter, and onions too, steak is good but it's hard to chew! Use your tongue, but watch your teeth, everyone enjoys the taste of- MEAT!"_

Well, that sure had them convinced.

* * *

**Myn**

Myn was using her powers of ultimate control to force people to come to the meat pie shop. Her hair shone like a brilliant ray of sunshine on a murky lake, or something to that effect. She even had some time to spare, so she flirted with the odd man here and there before lying down in the middle of the street in front of Mrs. Lovett's and convulsing, not because it was a strategy, but because she liked testing people's reactions and thought it was fun. Nevertheless, she did manage to attract more people with thie weird antic as well.

But that's not eventful, so let's see what Jolene's up to.

* * *

**Jolene**

Like Desdemona, Jolene was skulking in a dark alley, but unlike Desdemona, she wasn't intending to seduce men. Quite the opposite, in fact...

The gay guy that Desdemona had jumped came her way, hoping that perhaps he wouldn't run into any loonies in this alley, but he was sadly mistaken. As soon as he was close enough, Jolene grabbed him by the front of his shirt and slammed him onto the brick wall at the dead end of the alley.

"What do you want from me?!" he screamed as she held a knife to his throat.

"Come on," she said, marching him to the meat pie shop.

"What the--Why?"

"Because if you don't, I'll RIP YOUR THROAT OUT!" Jolene barked.

"Of what use could that be?" the man stammered.

"I can think of a few," said Jolene darkly. The man whimpered and complied, letting her drag him along.

She threw him past the threshold, careful to draw blood but not seriously injure him, and stalked off to find her next victim, licking the blood off the knife with an evil smirk. "AND DON'T FORGET TO BLOODY BUY SOMETHING!"

* * *

**May Apple**

As usual, May Apple was dancing around and petting kittens and doing other disgustingly cute things. She skipped down the street when suddenly, she knocked into someone, who spilled all of his groceries. "Oh, dear me! I'm sorry!" she exclaimed, helping the man pick up his things. "Are you alright?"

"Oh, don't worry, you sweet, innocent, adorable girl. Thank you ever so much for helping me with my things," he said cordially.

"Would you like any more help?" May Apple offered sweetly, widening her big, blue eyes that were like the sparkling afternoon sky, even though the afternoon sky _does not_ sparkle.

"Oh, no, I'll be fine. You just run along and play. Thank you though," he insisted.

"Oh, no, that won't do, let me treat you and _all_ of your buddies to a meat pie," May Apple said, and led him by the elbow down the street.

_What a sweet, adorable, kind, considerate, nice little girl._

* * *

After all the customers had been served, the Sues were gathered in Sweeney's flat for the voting. "Girls, we saw some impressive tactics today. Myn, you faked a seizure in the middle of the street. How was that?" Sweeney asked.

"I've got such bad concrete burn," Myn said, somehow still smiling psychotically.

"Alma, you sang another song, and that attracted quite a few customers. Great job," Mrs. Lovett said with a fond smile in Alma's direction. Alma beamed. "Jolene, you nearly killed a man...not bad...Katyana, you brought a multitude of customers, some of which _don't even belong in this fandom..._" she glared pointedly at Katyana, who shrugged innocently. "May Apple, you were such a Sue it hurt."

"It hurt like hell," Sweeney agreed, while May Apple smiled, showing cute little dimples. "Desdemona, what happened?"

"I just _had_ to get the gay one," Desdemona grumbled.

"Riiight. Now, Jenalle, as much as I _hate_ to admit it," Sweeney began, "You lured the most customers by _unfair tactics_ and _threats_...Oh, whatever, just put your votes in the damn pot, girls."

The Sues put their respective votes into the pot Mrs. Lovett was holding. "One vote for Jolene," she announced. "Desdemona, Desdemona, May Apple. One for Myn, one for Desdemona, and...the next person voted off is..."

After the commercial break, no one was too surprised to hear Mrs. Lovett say, "Desdemona."

* * *

Desdemona simply wouldn't have it. When the other Sues were in bed, she snuck up to Sweeney's place, while he was busy with a customer. Not _that_ kind of busy_ with a customer. _Gosh, you pervs.

"I know something's up," she said, "And I demand you put me back on the show or I'll reveal you for the murderer you are!"

Blocks away at the Sue flat, a lot of screaming was heard. "That sounded like Desdemona!" May Apple said. "She's in trouble!"

"Nah, she's probably just off having sex with Judge Turpin," Myn sneered.

"Hey! That's my father you're talking about!" Jenalle protested.

"Mff mnnmm mhhhm aahm," Alma said through a mouthful of meat pie.

**A/N: I finally finished a chapter! How did you guys find it? Review!**


	6. The Sues get seriously bugged

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sweeney Todd. Finally, I got something up. End of school is still a drag, and I'm writing all of this in the small hours, so don't blame me when it comes out demented!**

"So, how many of us are left?" May Apple asked innocently, not knowing the full impact of her sentence. The Sues were all staying in one flat now, since Katyana simply adored crowds and poor May was terrified of ghosts.

"There's me," Myn began, while jumping on the bed. "Then there's Ally-pie..."

"Don't call me that ever again," Alma said between bites of meat, her feet on the table, burgundy-black hair piled up.

"Okay. Alma. Then--there's--you," Myn continued between jumps, nearly hitting her head. "Also, Jenalle...Jolene...Katyana. I think that's it. Six," she finished.

"How unfortunate for everyone who's been sent off," May Apple sighed.

Jolene wasn't listening. "Dearest cousin, hand me some of that meat pie before I devour Miss Sunshine over here, I'm starving," she demanded. Alma tossed over the pie, which hit Jolene in the face. May Apple laughed, Jolene jumped her, Katyana threw up out the window, clutching her head, as the sick fell into the street, and Jenalle called in from outside.

"We have another challenge!" The Sues scrambled out to read the message. Myn jumped so high that she hit her head on the ceiling. "It doesn't say what we're--oh, no wonder, Princess Morbid ate the paint again. Well, I guess we'll just have to go down to see...Jo, one day you're going to give yourself an ulcer."

"Whatever," Jolene snarled, licking her red-red lips.

"So, what was the challenge?" Alma asked curiously.

"I think you'll like it," Jolene remarked cryptically.

* * *

"I trust you know what you'll be doing?" Mr. Todd asked as the Sues ascended the steps to the meat pie shop. Jenalle shook her head.

"Idiotface licked the bloody paint off the window," she said irritably.

Jolene scowled. "Shut up or I'll kill you," she growled (alluringly, of course) with a venomous glare.

"Now, now, there'll be no need for you t'be killin' each other," Mrs. Lovett scolded. Under her breath, she added, "High supply without higher demand is bad for business. Anyway," she went on, "Today we've a useful little challenge lined up for the lot of you. It's another quite easy task: whoever can kill the most cockroaches in this sty wins immunity."

Alma smiled. She was used to killing roaches, being an assistant piemaker, and felt like she had this one in the bag. Myn grinned as well, enjoying the torment of little creatures, just as our trouble author does. Jolene cackled out of the s heer enjoyment of killing in any form. Jenalle shrugged indifferently, May Apple seemed sympathetic to the poor creatures she was supposed to be crushing, and Katyana, completely disgusted, looked like she was going to blow chunks.

"Well, carry on, we're busy," said Sweeney briskly, and the Sues took off.

Alma was killing roaches left, right, and center with her clunky boots that most girls would break their legs wearing (though of course on Alma they were amazing) and a rolling pin. "You'd think we had the plague," she muttered, slapping another five roaches to their deaths in one swell foop. "No ya don't!"

May Apple merely picked up the roaches and put them in a burlap sack, subsequently releasing them into the wild. "Be free, children of Mother Nature!" she sang, squealing and giggling as she skipped about the shop. "La la ladee dadee da..."

Katyana was having much less luck. "HELP! HELP ME, I'M GOING TO DIE!" she screamed as vermin swarmed around her, burying her knee-deep. Jenalle rolled he eyes as she pulled out a gavel, swatting at the bugs and practically resurrecting poor Katy. "You carry that thing with you?" she asked incredulously, her stilettos wobbling from her swaying and twitching.

"Did you want me to leave you or not?"

Myn was poking cockroaches with needles and watching their movement slowly cease. Pulling the shock of blonde hair out of her eyes, she stared intently with an alert expression. Even Sweeney and Nellie were mildly creeped out.

"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit, and the vermin of the world inhabit it," Jolene cooed bitterly, smashing bugs with the blunt side of a carving knife. "And it goes by the name of _London_, that's for sure." She discarded hundreds of dead roaches through an open window and got right back to killing, imagining each roach as a little, crunchy English citizen.

"No, there's no place like London," Sweeney said, while he and Mrs. Lovett unleashed a Glad bag full of live insects into the shop. Why? Partially to make this challenge more of a challenge, but mostly because they so loved to mess with the Sues. Laughing and sputtering, they ran to hide.

Jolene and Alma had each others' backs and were swatting and killing with all their fury and determination, respectively. Myn just went on with her needles, seeming not to notice the increase in bugs. Jenalle, on the other hand, was overwhelmed, and Katyana was all but entombed in a crunchy, crawling grave. The Mary Sues fought furiously, but in the end, it was the insects that triumphed, gaining a victory over the Emporium for the time being.

The voting commenced out on the street. "Katyana, what was that all about?" Mrs. Lovett asked. Katyana twitched and whimpered.

"Jolene, that was brilliant. Kudos to you as well, Alma," Sweeney complemented. "I know the competition was who kills the _most_ roaches, but we, er...lost count, and so, for being so delightfully disturbing, Myn wins immunity." Myn squealed with delight and stuffed her vote into the boiling pot: she voted for Jenalle. The other Sues voted, and the votes were tallied...

"One vote for Katyana. Jenalle. Katyana, Alma, Alma, and...the next person leaving is..."

After the commercial break, with Alma shuddering nervously, Sweeney announced, "Katyana!"

"Aww, I'm sorry you had to go," Myn said sympathetically. "I'll miss your drunken parties and frequent hangovers!"

"Me too!" May Apple sobbed, "And the way you have sex with people from outside the Sweeney Todd fandom!" The two of them attacked Katyana with a group hug.

"It's okay, really," Katyana insisted. "Now I can go back to bartending and see my boyfriends."

And as Katyana Mooney skipped down the sunlit street, May Apple said ever so quietly under her breath, with the most minuscule of maniacal cackles, "Five down, four to go."

**A/N: How'd you like it? Another short chapter, but next time, along with a wonderful funderful murder, there will be more! Review!  
**


	7. The Sues are forced to sing

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sweeney Todd. And I don't own a lot of characters, either, because they're related to canon, and also I know an actual person named Alma Lovett who is studying to be a chef. Anyway, the show goes on...**

The Sues shared one room, as the were less numerous, and it was more comfortable this way: sometimes it got scary at night. It was actually Alma to speak up in favor of the last candidate today. "I'll miss Katyana and her antics," she mused. "But she was happier to go, anyway. I like it when it works out that way."

"We should all be happy to go," Jenalle laughed cynically.

"We all deserve it, anyway," Jolene agreed darkly. "We're all part of the same big compost heap."

"Now it's time for...PELVIC THRUST!" Myn burst out randomly, ever so rudely shattering the angst as she pelvic-thrusted around the room. "Now it's time to bring it around town. BRING IT AROOOUND TOOOWNNN!" The others stared at her, a bit bewildered. "Now you do THIS! And THIS! And THAT! And THIS!" She jumped erratically around the room, knocking into furniture. May Apple was the only one still smiling, aside from Alma, but she was too oblivious and absorbed in the eating of her meat pie to know anything out of the ordinary was happening.

"Every game show needs the weird one," May Apple sighed, quite contentedly, might I add: the weird one never wins.

"Oh, we got a challenge," Jolene said, after she had zipped in and out of the room at lightspeed. "Don't bother checking, I've cleaned the window. It didn't give any details, anyway, we're just supposed to dress nice and get down there."

May Apple was worried for Jolene's health, since the girl had eaten paint ever weekend for more than a month, and softened her expression in a sickeningly sympathetic, Sueish way. Jolene rolled her eyes as she led the way, dragging her oblivious cousin to the wardrobe so that they could pick out their outfits. Jenalle dressed in black and stocked down the stairs boredly, and Myn pelvic-thrusted to the nearest boutique.

When the Sues finally showed up to the meat pie shop, they were surprised to find an entire audience seated and awaiting them, a makeshift stage set up near the front of the room. "What is this?" Jenalle asked, looking at the strobe lights that weren't even invented yet. She was disgusted.

"Well, we've noticed a lack of singing, except from dear Alma," Mrs. Lovett said, smiling warmly at Alma. "And this is, after all, a musical. So, for this challenge, each of you has to sing a song that describes you." Jenalle looked even more disgusted.

"Up you get, then," Sweeney said, pushing Jenalle onto the stage. Everyone stared at her cinnamon-haired, Sueish glory, as she stood there with slight stage fright in her sexy, ominous black lace dress. Unsure of what exactly to sing, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, nerves showing as she let a song come to her...

"I_t's true, we're all a little...insane_

_But it's so clear, now that I'm...unchained_

_Fear is only in our minds, taking over all the time, fear is only in our minds but it's--taking over all the tiiiiime!_

_You poor, sweet, innocent thing, dry your eyes and testify,_

_You know you live to break me, don't deny, sweet sacrifice..._"

Applause shook the flat and the meat-pie emporium, so loud that the distinct thud of bodies to the basement from he flat to which Sweeney had retreated to could not be heard at all. Jenalle finished her song and thought that she had done quite well, and even smirked a little. "I can top that," Jolene said, rolling her eyes with (ironically) a lot of _contempt_ for her rival. She took the stage, her evil glare ablaze with malice, wearing more fishnet than should be legal, with small pointy objects poking out of her pockets and belt.

An upbeat tune played, and she began her song:

"_ Well They encourage your complete cooperation,  
Send ya roses when they think ya need to smile  
I can't control myself because I don't know how  
And they love me for it honestly I'll be here for awhile.._."

My Chemical Romance fans screamed and cheered as Jolene sang, and she milked it for all it was worth.

"_I gave you blood, blood  
Gallons of the stuff  
I gave you all that you could drink  
And it has never been enough  
I gave you blood, blood, blood  
I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love !!_"

She finished with a flourish and vainly crowd-surfed before handing the mic over to May Apple. The innocent, peppy blonde Sue in her pink frilly getup skipped up onto the stage and mad no hesitation to sing:

"_I'm an angel, I'm a devil I am sometimes in between _

_I'm as bad it can get And good as it can be _

_Sometimes I'm a million colors Sometimes I'm black and white I am all extremes _

_Try figure me out you never can There's so many things I am_

_I am special I am beautiful I am wonderful And powerful Unstoppable _

_Sometimes I'm miserable Sometimes I'm pitiful But that's so typical of all the things I am._"

It was not so easy being perfect, she'd shown the crowd. Innocent sues have their angst, too, and the world only saw her perfect exterior. The pink-clad, misunderstood Sue hopped off the stage to play with kittens or something adorable like that.

Myn hopped up onto the stage next. She was dressed as an alien. Literally. Granted, the clothing barely covered her body, and she looked like the girl covered in ribbons from the soap commercial, which made her Sueish-looking enough, and audience members of every gender were totally imagining her in bed with them. But the space bubble on her head was _really_ over the top.

"_I met this boy and I thought he liked me  
I met him at this punk rock show last week  
His friends had said I was pretty and sweet  
We went to in 'n out and had a couple drinks_

_But we lost in contact  
Now we can't get together  
And go to any more punk shows  
And hang right afterwards_

_Many days have passed and I'm so blue and sad  
This boy had drop kicked me and he was pretty rad  
His moves were slick and fine and he was on my mind  
You'd be so jealous 'cause I am with this guy  
You'd be so jealous 'cause he can kick real high_

_I asked his name and he said he's Jackie Chan!!_ "

And suddenly, it didn't matter that she had a beautiful singing voice. She was _weird_. Some customers were so weirded out that they dropped their pies. "Well, I thought the song was made of epic win," she said, handing the microphone to Alma.

Instead of the microphone, Alma picked up a mop, and started singing something cheerful about cleaning as she mopped up the pies, pausing only to straighten out her dainty waitress outfit.

"_ You could do a lot when you got  
Such a happy little tune to hum  
While you're sponging up the soapy scum  
We adore each filthy chore  
That we determine  
So friends even though you're vermin  
We're a happy working song_!"

It was believed that out-adorable-ing May Apple was impossible, but as Alma made the entire building spotless with the help f mice and cockroaches, this notion was proven wrong. Viewers everywhere hit the 'record' button so that they could leave to vomit and not miss a second of the sick psychological Sue-induced torture.

" _Singing as we fetch the detergent box  
Or the smelly shirts and the stinky socks  
Sing along  
If you cannot sing then hum along  
As we're finishing our happy working song!_"

She smiled as she finished mopping the floors, doing the dishes, and obliviously laundering Mr. Todd's bloody shirts. She was satisfied with her performance, but there could only be one immunity winner, and that winner was...

"Jolene."

Jenalle damn near steamed from her ears. Jolene smirked and put the first vote into Mrs. Lovett's pot. The others followed suit, and viewers bit their nails at the results of what seemed to be a close contest. "Jenalle, Myn, Alma, Jenalle," the votes read. Jenalle was now ed in the face.

"How can you do this to me?" she demanded. "I'll have you all convicted, my father will--"

The lights went out and Jenalle was stopped mid-imprecation. Custmers gasped. May Apple screamed and swooned like a proper lady, and Myn could be heard pelvic-thrusting and crashing into a wall, hitting her head. Then, suddenly...

_SHO-ROOK!_

The sinister sound halted at last, and the lights went back on. "Hey, where's Jenalle?" May Apple asked, confused.

Jolene hid her blood-covered hands behind her back, thinking up a quick lie. "She teleported right back to her dear daddy. You know how Mary Sues can transcend the boundaries of time and space. Now, Alma dear, help me grind some meat for the pies." The kill-crazy Sue turned on her heel and headed for the cellar.

"Oh boy!" Alma said, tottering along after Jolene with a big grin on her face.

**A/N: Sorry for the slow update, I promise it won't be much longer next time! Not the funniest chapter, but I didn't really know what to do...I enjoyed making the randomness, and I hope you enjoyed reading it! Review!**


	8. The Sues In The Future

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sweeney Todd. Whoot, 'nother update...I'm having too much fun with this, it's getting more psycho...oh, and mild mature content warning on this one for Jolene's challenge. Fight Club and Twilight crossovers, yay!  
**

Without Jenalle on their cases, the four remaining Sues were a lot more laid back. Myn had taken Katyana's place in obnoxious partying, Jolene was at liberty to torture small animals, and Alma sang more cheerfully than ever when grinding meat and serving customers. Even May Apple mourned for the 'loss' of a great Sue less than usual.

"You know, I'm getting a little stir-crazy, with that psycho bitch Jenalle out of the way," Jolene admitted, playing with a razor. She drew a single drop of blood from her fingertip. "It was a damn good time killing her. Well, she's not the _last_ psycho bitch on this show," she continued contemptuously, glancing sideways at May Apple.

"I have no idea what's going on," said May Apple, innocent and wide-eyed. "I have a hunch Jolene is going to try and get my out of the way. She's pretty suspicious. But I will just have to make sure she doesn't progress through this next round!" She smiled at the camera sweetly.

Myn and Alma were laughing into the latter's camera, nudging each other and sharing a meat pie. "Alma and I are like, totally best friends!" Myn chimed. "So we won't vote each other out!"

"Totally," Alma agreed. "We have an alliance. The viewers don't seem to view us as contenders, but we'll show them. Nothing beats great meat!" She giggled enthusiastically. "In the meantime, I'm rooting against May Apple. She seems awfully suspicious of my cousin and my aunt for some odd reason which I'm totally clueless about."

"Yeah, and Jolene hates her too, so it's perfect!" Myn nodded.

"Hello, lovelies!" May Apple sang. "We've got a challenge to do! Report to the Emporium right away!"

The other Sues groaned at May Apple's enthusiasm. They trudged down the stairs, Jolene, ever the glutton, dipping her finger to the painted window and licking up the paint that smelled and looked like blood. As they entered the shop, they were rather confused to see cardboard boxes in the middle of the floor. Cardboard boxes that were _glowing_.

"What in the name--" Jolene began, eyeing the new fixtures apprehensively. Alma prodded a box with her fork curiously.

"Is it a puppy?" she asked obliviously.

"Do puppies glow?" Jolene asked rhetorically, rolling her eyes at her cousin.

"They do if they're radioactive," Myn pointed out matter-of-factly. Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett shook their heads while watching the beautiful but empty-headed (with perhaps the exception of Jolene) Sues.

"Oh, for goodness's sake," Sweeney muttered incoherently before divulging the day's challenge. "Girls, we've all discovered you can survive in the Sue world...but how about the real world?" The Sues all seemed apprehensive, with the exception of Alma, who was contentedly chewing a meat pie. "Now, if you'd be so kind as to step into this time machine," he said, gesturing toward the glowing boxes.

"Hope you like the twenty-first century," Mrs. Lovett said, forcibly pushing the contestants into the time machine.

* * *

**Jolene**

Jolene was not in the best mood. Law enforcement was stricter in the twenty-first century mall that she and her opponents had been transported to. Unable to get on with the gutting and other shenanigans, she resigned herself to getting a coffee.

Starbucks, a big green sign read. This seemed promising.

"Hello, I'd like to get a coffee," she said, forcing her best non-evil smile. The cashier was an acne-ridden kid, about sixteen, wearing a dorky nametag that said, 'Hello, my name s Eugene."

"Will that be bold or mild?" he asked apathetically.

"Um...I just want a coffee," Jolene said with confusion.

"What size?"

"Small."

Eugene looked at Jolene like she was from another planet. "We don't have that here, only tall, grande, or venti. Did you want whip or no whip?"

Jolene deadpanned, quite annoyed. How hard could it be to just buy a coffee? "Look," she said, "All I want is a coffee. That has caffeine. That's in a cup. That I can drink. Can you just get me that?"

Eugene nodded. "Your name please?"

"Jolene," the Sue specified. Mystified by Jolene's beauty, he grinned at her, seeming totally compliant, and wrote _Joleen_ on her cup. But the moment was too good to last...

"Now, was that bold or mild?"

"AAAAAUGH!!" Jolene screamed in rage and annoyance. She killed the coffee guy with a plastic knife, drank down some of the blood, got behind the bar, got herself a plain, regular coffee, drank it, came back out from behind the bar, and then, for god measure, practiced necrophilia on the corpse.

* * *

**Myn**

Myn was having a blast. An author insert Sue, she knew all about the present day. So, she went to the arcade to goof off.

She totally tore it up on Guitar Hero, mastering Through the Fire and Flames on Expert level, and then danced like a maniac to Boys and Butterfly on DDR. Had this been a serious fanfiction, the lyrics would all be posted, but seeing as it's a game show, Myn had better things to do with her time on camera: like score a hot boyfriend.

Dazzled my her beauty, a handsome, pale youth with reddish-brown hair walked over to where she was dancing. She got startled and fell into his arms because that's what a Mary Sue does when the HOT GUY comes on the scene. "Oof! Sorry!" she said.

"Don't worry about it," he said, smiling. "I'm Edward."

"THAT'S AWESOME! I'M MYN! LET'S SNEAK OUTBACK SO YOU CAN RAVAGE ME AND SUCK MY BLOOD!" she suggested.

And. They. Did. Just. That.

* * *

**May Apple**

May Apple was doing something innocent: making soap in the basement of the mall. Sure, she'd helped 'two' men steal the fat from a liposuction clinic to make it, but that wasn't so bad now, was it. "What I really want to know was why Tyler Durden was wearing gloves when he came out of the bedroom after making love to Mrs. Lovett," May Apple mused.

Electrified by her beauty, a fellow soap-maker was drooling. "Who?" he asked dumbly.

"The first rule of Project Mayhem is you don't ask questions," someone said.

"Oh, okay," May Apple said, proceeding to flirt with all the big, muscular men.

Thirty minutes later, the west wing of the mall exploded.

With enough soap, you can blow up anything.

* * *

**Alma**

Alma was sitting in a hole-in-the-wall Mexican joint, munching on a taco. "It's nothing compared to what me and Aunt Nellie cook," she said, "but at least it's authentic." She sat there for about twenty minutes eating her beefy taco.

"Erm...aren't you supposed to be proving your Sueishness with whatever you can work with in this timeframe?" the camera guy interjected.

"Keep your socks on, I'm getting to that," said Alma, her mouth full of meat. When she finally finished, she began talking to the waiter, and, bewitched by her beauty, he fell in love with her instantly, and they went at it right at the table.

* * *

**The Voting**

The Sues assembled in the center of the mall, eager to vote. "You all did very well today...except for Jolene, who managed to kill someone." Mr. Todd was not impressed. His daughter could be so...conspicuous sometimes.

"Hey, at least I got some. Unlike _some of us_..." Jolene smirked, glancing at May Apple, who hadn't had sex at all in the challenge.

"Well, only one of you can win immunity, and that goes to Myn, for winning over a fancy sexy vampire that sparkles," Mrs. Lovett announced. Each Sue voted and dropped her slip pf paper into a kettle, and Mrs. Lovett tallied the votes, smiling, waiting to tell them so as to create suspense. Viewers groaned.

"It's got to be Jolene," May Apple said with satisfaction.

"Me?! I already said, _I got some_! That's more Mary Sue than you've been all day!"

"You killed a coffee guy!"

"Guys, listen!" Alma interjected, her eyes wide, stopping Jolene and May's bickering. All of the sudden, a giant, bronze globe rolled through the mall and smacked into Jolene, sending her flying across the food court. She hit the smoothie shop bar with a _bang_, barely conscious and groaning. The big bronze statue rolled off to the side, a few badly bruised men cheering in the background. There was no way she could continue to do the show like this.

"Well, what do you know, it is Jolene," Myn mused aloud, looking at Mrs. Lovett. Mrs. Lovett looked at Mr. Todd, who looked at Alma, who looked at May Apple. Clearly, something was afoot. Evil it was... Finally, Myn, quirking an eyebrow, glanced at May Apple and asked, "Do you have any idea what _that_ was all about?"

May Apple's smile showed only the slightest tinge of malice. "The first rule of Project Mayhem is, you don't ask questions."

**A/N: I heart Fight Club.**

**P.S: I'm not here to write good fanfiction, I'm here to amuse myself.**

**P.P.S: TWILIGHT IS RIDICULOUS**


	9. The Sues seduce men

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sweeney Todd. Sorry for taking such a long leave of absence. I've been writing a little shock horror of my own. Well, now I'm back with the semifinals...enjoy! I hope... :-/**

"Poor Jolene."

"AAAUGH! STOP IT! We all know you're faking," Min groaned, glaring at May Apple (and having decided to spell her name with an I from now on instead of that insufferable Y). "You probably even made that globe smack into Jolene."

May Apple's lower lip trembled. "How could you even think such a thing?" she asked. Alma watched the two of them, leaning back in a swiveling chair.

"I really don't see how it matters. I mean, sure, Jo was awesome, but she'll recover..."

"How can you even say that?!" May Apple asked, her eyes welling up with tears. "She's your cousin! I thought you wanted her to win! Seeing as you don't even have a chance!"

"Hypocrite," Min muttered under her breath.

"It's just a game," Alma shrugged. With that, she picked up a meat pie and took a bite.

Exasperated with each other, Min and May Apple each picked up pillows and began bashing each other with them. Feathers were everywhere and the two were rolling on the floor in a crazed frenzy. Some clothing was even torn! Then, suddenly, the floor opened up and all three Sues landed with a THUMP into chairs at a table at which their hosts were already seated. Male audiences everywhere groaned.

"Surprising that no one bothered to check the window now that Jolene's no longer licking the blood off," Sweeney drawled menacingly while the girls settled in.

"The what?" Ma Apple asked suspiciously.

"Ink," Sweeney corrected himself, and May Apple accepted the answer without a fuss. "As I was saying, today's the day of the semifinals." Little blinking signs flashed in the background and fake applause sounded. "Today's challenge is something every Mary Sue should be able to do--each of you will have to make someone from the fandom fall in love with you."

Min squealed in delight, May Apple smiled sweetly, careful not to give away too much confidence, and Alma choked on her meat pie. "So, do we get to pick?" the latter asked, hoarsely from choking.

"Err, no," Mrs. Lovett explained. "The producers have got it all figured out. And now, it's time to see which saps get you lot following them around all day." She withdrew an envelope and read the letter it contained: "Alma will be seducing Toby, (bless his heart, the poor chap), May Apple gets Anthony, and that leaves Myn with--"

"It's _Min_ now," Min interjected.

"Right then, that leaves Min with--"

But, alas, she couldn't finish her sentence, as she was too shocked and disgusted. Fans at home, the three Sues, and Sweeney had a pretty good guess of why, and Min, knowingly, smiled a wide, demented, evil smile that could make any man soil his knickers...

* * *

**Alma**

The scene began for Alma Lovett, as most of her scenes began, with her humming innocently and obliviously serving customers sinister pies. She set a tray down on a table and twirled back down to the basement to retrieve more pies. On the way back up, she stumbled over her feet clumsily and went toppling into the basement again. Of course, being a Mary Sue, she wasn't injured, but she cried out in classic damsel-in-distress desperation anyway. The fall had left her sprawled on the floor, and her skirt was displaced so that part of a lacy undergarment was in plain view.

And, who should come to her rescue but--

"Oh! Hi Toby," she muttered, flustered, while he helped her back to her feet. "Fancy seeing you here!"

"I work here, Alms," Toby pointed out. "Wot d'you mean by falling over like that?"

"Well, I didn't do it on purpose!" Alma snapped to create tension.

"Sorry," Toby muttered, standing on the first step of the cellar hesitantly, as if he didn't want to go up. "Say, Alma, you look right beautiful today. Wot d'you say we take a little break?"

"I thought you'd never ask!" Alma chirped. "Come on, let's just go behind this suspicious-looking and -smelling meat-grinder!"

And off they went.

* * *

**May Apple**

May Apple had decided to be angsty today, not because she had anything to be unhappy about, but because it was a Sueish thing to do (as was having a lot of contradictions in characterization). She sat under a dark umbrella on a bench on Fleet Street, wearing all black and counting quietly to herself: "Three...two...one..."

Anthony happened along the street.

"Right on cue."

"Hello, Miss, I was wondering if you might point me in the direction of the--" he began, but was taken aback by her dark appearance. "Are you quite alright?"

"No," May Apple almost sobbed. "What does it look like?"

"How can you possibly be so unhappy?" Anthony offered, feeling rather foolish. "The sun is shining, the birds are singing..."

"Yeah? You want to know how?" May Apple asked. "I read the paper. That sun, it's going to kill us," she elaborated with a matter-of-fact nod. "And those pretty birds you like so much?" She leaned forward mischievously, so that a part of her brassiere was showing. "They've got the flu," she whispered, "and it's contagious."

With that, May Apple stood up, jumped into the air, and clicked her heels. "Have a nice day!" she implored him.

Anthony found himself mesmerized by the strange girl's mannerisms. Could she _do _that? Was it possible to put sarcasm in a heel click? There were many ways to find out, but he was headed towards the way that just might help May Apple win this challenge: "I might be falling for you," he breathed.

"Really? Good!"

May Apple dragged Anthony into the bushes to do unknown activities, and the camera man embarrassedly turned the camcorder around.

"Err," he said into the lens, "A Little Mary Sue is experiencing technical difficulties. Chhhhk." He made a weird scratching noise in his throat, shook the camera, and turned it off.

* * *

**Min**

Min was just standing around in Sweeney's barber shop with a scary grin on her face. When she got bored of doing that, she started playing with a razor.

"Oi! Don't touch that!" Sweeney snapped, taking it out of her hand. Min giggled. Mrs. Lovett entered the room with exasperation.

"Is the challenge over?" she asked.

"Nuuuupe!" Min said before going off to look for something else to play with.

"Well, get it over with already!"

"I don't wanna!" Min whined.

"What?" asked Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett in unison, both of them very relieved to hear it.

"You two are my OTP! That's One True Pairing for the fans at home. Hi Mom!" she waved into the camera. "Anyway, I figure not even a self-insert can come in between Twoo Wuv, so I'm just gonna stand back and play matchmaker this time. I don't really want Sweeney to fall in love with me, anyway. He strikes me as abusive."

"Abusive? Why, you--"

"Oh, Mr. T, I think she's right," Mrs. Lovett offered tentatively. She leaned up and kissed Sweeney, and he reciprocated, until...

"She's watching," he murmured, jerking his head in Min's direction. Sure enough, the little Sue was watching the whole make-out session, that creepy little grin still plastered across her face.

"What should we do about it?" Mrs. Lovett asked.

Sweeney shrugged and pulled the lever to the trapdoor, and Min dropped through the floor and into the cellar with a THUD. She moaned from below.

"Uuuh...where am I?"

* * *

**The...voting?**

May Apple and Alma were seated in the meat pie emporium when Mrs. Lovett, rumpled-looking, but satisfied, clambered down the stairs. "There won't be any voting today," she explained. "Unfortunately, Min got a concussion and has been forced to leave the show for her health."

Alma nodded. "Alright," she said indifferently. "I hope she recovers." She really would rather have seen May Apple go, but she didn't have very strong feelings about it.

"Don't you think that's a little suspicious?" May Apple asked Alma. She was relieved that she didn't have to sit through a voting, as, even though she had _clearly_ been the best out of the three, they would have voted her off out of spite, no contest. Still, all the disappearances had been worrying her.

"Suspicious? Nah," Alma decided, shrugging off May Apple's question. "I want another pie."

She scurried off to get another pie, and the two remaining contestants retreated to the flat, May Apple wondering what secrets this ominous show was hiding, Alma wondering how meat was actually ground in the grinder.

"Hmmmm."

* * *

**A/N: Phew! This took longer than expected to get up (that's what she said!), for those of you who are actually still reading! Thanks for any feedback, and if you know which comedian from Comedy Central I was referencing in May's bit, you win! (No, really, I can't for the life of me remember his name, so tell me if you know!) I'll try and have the finals up soon!  
**


	10. The Sues Have A Winner

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sweeney Todd. Tim Burton and Stephen Sondheim are responsible for that masterpiece, and I'm responsible for butchering it (no pun intended.) Thank you all, my wonderful reviewers. You've all made this worthwhile enough for me to keep writing it, and now, without any more of my useless bladder, here's the final installment of the show!**

"Poor Myn," May Apple said in her sickly sweet, fickle-sounding way.

"It's 'Min'," Alma corrected serenely. May Apple groaned. She was tired of her fellow Sue's constant oblivious nature and perpetual eating of meat pies. But today, the game show would be over and everyone would see that she was the _ultimate_ Sweeney Todd Mary Sue.

"So, this is it then," Alma said. "One of us will win, and one of us will probably disappear into the abyss that's become of this game show."

"Don't you think it's a little suspicious that people keep disappearing?" asked May Apple. Alma munched on a pie.

"Nope. Say, d'you think we should do that thing where we say nice things about everyone who was voted off and stuff?" asked Alma.

"Nah. I suspect most of them are dead, anyway."

"Really?"

May Apple didn't know for sure, but she was determined to find out.

"You know, Alma...I'm really going to miss you once I win and solve the mystery of this show and become revered and have a national holiday named after me and you're still stuck in your lowly place," May Apple randomly said.

Alma's expression was blank. "As my cousin Jolene would have said...I'm going to eat your flesh."

She had no idea how right she was.

* * *

The next morning, the two Sues headed down to the emporium for their final challenge. They were both blindfolded, and Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett derived much entertainment from them falling down the stairs several times, and, when they entered the main room, they heard distinct giggling...

"Alright, take off your blindfolds," said the cameraman, and the two finalists did so. Much to their surprise, there, sitting at the tables, were Antonia, Katyana (hung over as ever), Jolene (nursing injuries from being hit with a globe), and Myn, who didn't remember changing her name. Actually, she didn't remember anything, as she suffered from amnesia, a word which here means, 'she forgot every detail of her life and it was a miracle she remembered how to eat and breathe.'

"You guys, it's wonderful to see you!" chirped Alma. "How about a pie for old times' sake?"

"Wait, where are the others?" wondered May Apple aloud.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER, JUST DO THE CHALLENGE!" Mrs. Lovett snapped. Everyone stared.

"Uuh...terribly sorry 'bout that. Now, all you each have to do is tell the viewers why you deserve to win, and the Sues who were voted off will decide who wins."

"Are you kidding me?" May Apple raved. "That's been done to death! Every Mary Sue game show does that!"

"Stop yelling!" Katyana winced.

"I like cereal," said Myn.

"SOMEBODY JUST GO ALREADY!"

"Alright," May Apple began. "I'll start. Clearly, I'm the more perfect of the finalists. I am a sad authoress's bad spin on a Disney Princess. My hair shines like gold, my eyes are two deep wells that lead to my soul, I rescue stray puppies and help homeless people and I'm the all-around most amazing person in the world that everyone should hope to be! Plus, I'm incredibly sexy! Everyone in this movie wants inside my pants, but I don't say yes to all of them because I'm Not That Kind Of Girl (c). I've made the cameraman barf at least twice with my sweetness, so I deserve to be the Ultimate Sweeney Todd Mary Sue! Plus, there's a terrible secret about--"

"Time's up," said Mr. Todd. "Alma, your turn."

Alma smirked. "See, Princess Poo-Poo Pants is deluding herself. She may be sickeningly sweet, but I have a place in this universe. I have a goofy plotline with my true love, Tobias Ragg. I can also do loads of random Sueish stuff, like eat a millionty bazillion meat pies and never gain weight. And did she ever sing, other than the time we were all forced to? I don't think so! But I did! And I also have nice hair that cascades in luscious curls! And I'm quirky and friendly and my obliviousness makes me terribly endearing!" she flashed an adorable smile. "Okay, is that enough of a speech to be done with? Can I have a pie now?"

In the middle of Alma's speech, Sweeney left to deal with a customer who'd come in for a haircut, so May Apple followed him suspiciously. While the Sues glanced about downstairs, some screams came from the upstairs flat, May Apple could clearly be heard shouting, "MURDERER! YOU'RE A MURDERER, I JUST KNOW IT! I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! ALL THE OTHER SUES GOT MURDERED! MURDERER! OMGWTFBBQMURDERER!"

_SHOO-ROOK!_

And then there was silence. No one made anything of it.

Sweeney came downstairs covered in blood, and everyone just assumed that some hooligan kids dumped a bucket of blood on him as a prank or something. Kids these days...

"It seems May Apple had to leave the show because she..." he began.

"She died!" Mrs. Lovett picked up. "She spontaneously got typhus and died!"

"Yes! She got typhus and died!"

"She must not have had a strong enough immune system," Alma mused. "She should have ate more meat."

"This means Alma wins!"

"Yay!"

Someone put a big shiny tiara on Alma's head and handed her a bouquet of yellow roses. She shed tears of happiness and jumped for joy, and Myn and Katyana and Antonia and Jolene lifted her up and sang "She's A Jolly Good Fellow" over and over again. Somehow, Alma ended up crowd-surfing, and everyone revered her as the ultimate Mary Sue, and no one ever found out what happened to the missing contestants.

_Alma and Toby went on to own the family business and then lived in a cottage by the sea, happily ever after._

_Jolene helped her sister out with the business and became a beautiful and notorious sexual predator and murderess, not necessarily in that order._

_Katyana started making meat pies out of cats._

_Myn married Bella Swan._

**A/N: Well, that's the end. Another happy ending made so by murder and bloodshed. Took me long enough. Well, review, and now I shall venture off into the sunset and contemplate my next project!  
**


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